November Blue

Okay, with as good as I felt Monday night, I would have anticipated having a bit longer to rest on the laurels of my newfound perspective and optimism. But apparently there’s a lot more yuck where that bit came from. I’ve had a few meals without purging but on the whole, yesterday and today weren’t pretty. Today I was just on the prowl for food all day and hadn’t packed enough of it for work (apparently my holiday from restricting was brief as well). Which, (because I work with kids) led to lots of candy. Which (because I am human, specifically female, more specifically eating disordered) led to a significant sense of guilt, shame and regret. Oh, and hunger. And you can see where this is going….eating too much too fast, knowing full well where it would end up. Despite that truck-load of perspective and Self energy and therapy this and therapy that – I am right back where I was. Okay, maybe not RIGHT back…but close.

The difference being that this morning I started out with some good intentions – downloaded a bunch of yoga podcasts (from Bow Down Yoga – a local teacher whose classes I love in person), and some short guided meditations. Hoped to fit some mindfulness or downward dogedgness into my day. Thought about eating a healthy and nutritious, yet filling breakfast (nuts even entered my mind – gasp!).  But somehow an empty belly full of coffee happened. When did that shift occur? I went to the gym and had a normal person workout (normal people stare at their collarbones in the mirror for 45 minutes straight, right? ahem. at least the intensity and duration of the physical activity was normal). I came home and had my vitamin C supplement and felt healthy. The shower may have been where the turn came. When ED is really cranking, my checking definitely carries over into the body arena and, looking back, my shower was quite long with lots of checking. So perhaps whatever thoughts I was having about my body were coming from a part that needed my attention. That part that wants to lose and lose so that people notice and become concerned. I really empathize with Lola’s post today about ED and weight loss and thinness making one feel special. But I also know with every fiber of my being that my ED cares not about the girl across the gym from me or the guy on the street – it’s target is specifically my family and perhaps close acquaintances. As much as I want to be healthy because my sickness hurts my brother….I’m seeing him next weekend and want my body to reflect suffering and hurt. It’s not enough to tell him on the phone that I’ve relapsed, that I’m sad, blah blah blah. I know bulimics don’t have to be skinny to have a fucked up disorder. But I want the people who know me to hurt at the sight of me. Okay, part, I hear ya loud and clear. So WHY?????

Part: Because I don’t think people will believe me or pay attention if I just tell them I’m hurting and sad and sick and miserable.

Self: When did you start to feel this way?

Part: When I was little – 4, 5, maybe 6. I would tell my mom I was scared of the creepy neighbor and she accused me of being paranoid. I told my brother I was sad because my parents were fighting and he told me to go away. My dad used to listen when I was really small but then he stopped listening, too.
Self: …..I don’t know what to say….Seems like you have good reason to feel that the most important people in your life won’t listen or pay attention to your feelings….I don’t know how to do this process on my own…..I’m just sorry that you feel that way. I wish you could just call someone crying and not have to purge and lose weight and then visit them in order to get the reaction you need. You’d probably get a more immediate reaction.

(that last bit sounds like another part talking. a little condescension and an agenda. could that part please take a seat in the waiting room, it’s untrusting of other’s reactions part’s turn right now. you definitely deserve an appointment but please schedule it with the receptionist so I can focus on untrusting of other’s reactions part.)

Self: look, untrusting of other people’s reactions part, I’m new to this whole IFS thing and as much as I believe in it, I don’t know how to do it without Bree. So I’ll do all I know how to do right now – I’ll do a little yoga. I’m not quite sure how that will help you but it’s the only thing I know how to do right now to take care of myself – and you’re a part of myself. Let’s give it a shot and see how it feels, okay.

Part: (hesitant and befuddled) uh…okay. will you check back in with me afterward, though? I don’t want you to leave me alone (crying).

Self: oh, oh, don’t cry. you don’t have to leave. stay right here – um…I have two mats and I’ll put them side by side. We’ll do it together and J will wake up and think I’m crazy.

(that’s another part jumping in. Worried about what other people think part, there’s a seat in the waiting room for you right next to Wish you could just fix it part.)

Self: We’ll do it together and you’ll be safe, okay. Let me know if it doesn’t feel right. I’m just trying my best here but I really want to help you.

Part: Okay. I think I trust you a little bit.

Okay. So there you have it folks. I’ve officially gone IFS crazy on the internet. ha ha. but you know what….I feel a little better having gotten that out. And I’ll email it to Bree to talk about on Monday.