Magic Eraser
I love New Year’s. Clarification: my managerial parts LOVE New Year’s. It feels like such nice closure on things past. A clean slate – at least before I begin to frantically fill it with new goals and expectations of myself. A new list of things that will finally “make me happy”. If I could just….I’d feel better. But this year feels different. I feel so wrapped up in a hurricane of change and growth and struggle and progress and challenge and success and failure that I can hardly even pretend to put a period at the end of 2008, clearly defining the beginning of ‘09. So this year I think the two will blend together in a much less instantly gratifying wash of process. I’m just IN it right now. Everything’s been tossed up in the air and I can’t even fake knowing how it’ll look when it lands. This acceptance is not without intense anxiety, nor without the near-constant voices urging me to just make it a goal not to purge anymore. Just make the resolution to stop drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Draw the line in the sand and make a fresh fucking start with unrealistic expectations. But I have an answer for that voice – my new and improved, kinder gentler resolutions:
1 – drink tea. not everyday. not even every week. just sometimes when the mood strikes me.
2 – be as well as I can at any given moment. no pressure to be as well as my best day ever or even as well as the day before. just let it be what it is and do whatever I feel able in that moment to be well. (note: no definition of well. it’s totally up to my own interpretation in that moment).
3- not pretend to be a fortune teller. remind myself that nothing in this world for anyone in this world is a sure thing. make decisions from my gut and not from a place of fear of what the future might hold or from a place of discomfort with uncertainty (unless making decisions from these places constitutes “being as well as I can at any given moment” – see resolution 2).
4. love my dog with all my heart and receive his love daily
5. Notice the natural world I live in. Not every day. Not even every week. Just when the mood strikes me.
6. Live simply. Just that. Open fully to interpretation.
7. Remind myself that I am connected to others.
8. Take baths. Sometimes. Whenever.
9. Live an extraordinarily rich life.
10. Know, at my core, that I am a whole person. I exist no matter who or what is in my life. No struggle, illness, hardship, love, loss, pain or lonliness erases me. I do not need others in order to feel whole. I am not just a body, two thighs, blonde hair, a lover, a daughter, a friend. There is a Me in this body. It will be with me until the day I die. I can count on it, trust it, rely on it and know that it is the one constant.
Unfortunately, these resolutions don’t lend themselves to data collection on Excel spreadsheets. They’re intentionally designed so that I can’t fail, I can’t beat myself up for my lack of progress towards them. All I can do is remind myself of them. Notice them. And feel okay.
Happy New Years to all!
A New Year’s Challenge
My college roommates and I have a tradition of spending New Year’s Eve together (although not this year). And annually we craft a cheesy rhyming slogan for the year ahead which we begin the evening toasting to and end the evening staggering down a sidewalk holding each other up and shouting at innocent bystanders (okay, gawkers, we ARE quite a sight). “Get your kicks in 2K6!” (although slurred, it sounds more like “Geh yukkkkkssss n toookysssxxx”…stagger stagger stumble). “Things will be great in 2008!”.
So, my challenge and yours is to craft this year’s slogan. Extra points for rhyming, inspirational/recovery value, or self-depricating eating disorder humor. Examples:
- No porceline in ‘09 (mispronounced for the sake of rhyming)
-My food is mine in 2009
- No more cryin’ in ‘09 (my therapist would not appreciate this one as she sees tears as little wet banners of progress)
In other news, work was short and sweet. Therapy productive. Group was good – yoga was exceptional tonight. Extended talk with J afterwards about 3002 different things but all was healthy and calm and honest. Feeling hesitatingly reconnected to him a bit. Anxious about the uncertainty of my relationship but willing to sit with that discomfort in order that we both “do the work” to attempt to improve our relationship. Ate 3 meals today without toilet bowl worship. Woo hoo. (2 days of woo hoos in a row = hot damn!)
Half day tomorrow and then a New Year’s Eve date night/anniversary celebration with J.
Soooo incredibly excited to actually have time to post a “real” post tomorrow. These are just words. Daily goings-on. Hardly representative of what’s really inside this head and heart (and tummy – digesting away on that dinner).
Clicking the ruby red slippers
And I’m back. Back to the land of snow and ice. Back to reality. Thank God it’s another holiday week and my workload is light and the week is short.
After some quality time walking my pup, I’ve got therapy, work and then group tonight. A little jarring to my system, which enjoyed a weekend of no responsibilities.
I got home and J and I got along fine – a little distant and awkward but fine. We talked a bit last night – calm and compassionate. My parts that were terrified that it might escalate again relaxed a bit. But they’re not sure how long this calm will last.
We agreed to seek out some more couples therapy. We’ll have to find someone new since our last therapist is a co-leader of my group therapy and there’d be some conflict of interest there. So a new couples therapist to round out my team of mental health professionals is in order.
I’m feeling pretty blank today so not much to post. Other than I’m alive and well, weary from travel, nervous of conflict and resistant to the responsibilities of the day.
*I just ate breakfast. I didn’t purge yesterday. Woo hoo!
*sigh*
Just got off the phone with J and am feeling pretty stirred up. Things didn’t escalate, which is a positive and a step in the right direction…but it still felt frustrating.
There are issues in our relationship that I don’t know how to fix. That I don’t feel sure are fixable. If they are fixable, I don’t know that our dynamic – our communication styles and sensitivities will allow us to fix. I asked for a month or two of deliberate intention to work on our relationship but felt like he’s already decided it’s not going to work. And also sensed that he’s so terrified that it won’t work that he can’t put the honest intention in. But despite these feelings, I know the best thing to do is put my part of the intention in and see what happens. I can’t be responsible for his half.
I know that the personal growth that I am making – the revalations in therapy, the increased “listening to my gut”, my newfound willingness to take some risks in order to speak up for my needs and boundaries – don’t feel good to him. They feel markedly different from the woman he met a year ago. I understand that. In some was I wish we’d met after all this work I’m doing — I’m not even sure he would have been as attracted to me if I had been this way from the start. I don’t know if I would have been as attracted to him. But we have a wedding date set and a history of love and intimacy. I feel a dual commitment to my growth and well-being and to the sanctity of our relationship. More often than not lately I feel that these are polarized and I feel divided. Like it’s a choice I have to make – him or me. If I’ve learned anything it therapy it’s that the polarizations aren’t the only way – that there is ALWAYS some sort of middle ground. A third option – the “us” option. That’s what I’m hoping we can find…together. If we can’t find it…the choice I make will be ME. I come first. Maybe not to everyone else. But I’ve got to start being my first priority.
ED embarrassment of the day: purged in my mom/stepdad’s bathroom and toilet didn’t flush. asked them not to use the bathroom for a minute so I could go back and try to “work it out”. Discovered my stepdad a few minutes later going to town back there with the plunger. UGH!!! Don’t even know if he know’s I’m bulimic. Totally and completely busted. Except that he didn’t say anything and acted totally normal the rest of the night. Hmmm. Not busted? Busted? Dunno. Awkward? Definitely. Will it prevent me from purging here tomorrow – YES. Now there’s looking on the bright side of the situation!
79 degrees does wonders for my mood
Seriously, the weather today was definitively WARM. No sweatshirt. No jacket. Yummy balmy southern air.
AND…I ate more than air today. I’m about 15 minutes away from meal 3 of the day. Starting off with a Larabar was a compromise with my restricting part – a “snack” but at least some food in my belly to start the day. Lunch was a bit more uncomfortable just because it involved several items on my plate and looked like a lot. It felt okay, though. Eating here is a bit easier because I’m not alone and I eat at the table – a little more mindfully. Helps me stop when I start to feel panicky (which, I guess for the non-disordered is called “full”. hmmm.)
I went to church with my mom this morning. I absolutely love my church at home – mainly the physical building which is old and gothic, yet small and cozy. Decorated top to bottom for Christmas and the service had all the caroling greats – “We three kings” “What child is this”. Love it. Midnight mass is a family tradition and I missed out this year so this was a nice compromise. Church is something I’ve been pondering lately. I’ve gone a few times lately in Vermont either alone or with J, mainly as a distraction from the disordered thoughts and urges. And I don’t feel a strong connection to the big one we go to downtown. But a small, family-oriented church can be a great place to be socially connected and involved. Part of something bigger. I tend to get spooked by really evangelical or “pushy” denominations (which I won’t mention so as not to offend). But I feel comfortable in the Episcopal Church – mainly because it’s familiar but also because I feel allowed to question or explore and attach to the parts that mean something to me and not so much to the parts that don’t. I’m not threatened weekly with hell if I don’t believe hard enough or save other souls. Whew, that’s a relief. Maybe a New Year’s Resolution to find a smaller Episcopal church that feels like a good fit is brewing. We’ll see.
Had a good visit with a dear friend. Technically my high school sweetheart but we’ve remained really solid buddies through the years minus any physical or romantic attraction/awkwardness. His mother is insane about marriage and having babies and is an enormous gossip around my hometown so I felt some anxiety about showing up with the ring on my finger but not really wanting to talk about it. It went better than I expected. Then T and I ventured to Starbucks for a little heart to heart about our lives, minus his nosey mom. He had some really great advice, reassurance and just general knowledge of ME. The me that is underneath all the events and the boyfriends and the geographical relocations. He’s got his head-screwed on really straight and is comfortably single (despite constant nagging from his mom about it). But he gives great perspective on relationships and I am always shocked by how comfortable and sincere we can be despite not talking for several months. Made me want to talk to him more often.
Feeling really good about this trip. My mom has been really nice and not as extreme a version of herself as she can sometimes be – perhaps because I’m a bit vulnerable. I’ve had plenty of time and space to “do my own thing”. I’ve had a break from the tension and drama at home. I’ve had some relative successes in the ED department. I’m feeling much more connected to ME. More in my own body. More comfortable. Tomorrow afternoon I’ll begin the journey back to Vermont (where it is frigid, I’m sure). Tuesday I have therapy and group. I really hope this feeling of groundedenss can last.
I know better
I know that restricting does the following:
-fogs my thinking
-makes me anxious and irritable
-depresses me
-sets the stage for a perceived binge (chocolate covered almonds after dinner, for example)
-sets the stage for a purge (grrr)
-makes ANY morsel of food that enters my belly elicit bloating and discomfort
So why do I do it??!! Partly I’ve been restricting all week as an effort to stave off any purging (which it hasn’t entirely but has certainly decreased it). Partly it’s because of the emotional demands on me right now and the side effect of needing some sense of control (so ED cliche’ed but true). Partly the pain feels good. But I got some “bars” at the grocery today that feel like an acceptable breakfast/lunch or snack to give a whirl tomorrow. I know I can do it – it just requires talking myself down from that disordered place. Compromising with my parts.
I’m starting to visit friends here at home and to accept the phone calls that are incoming. My mom and I saw “Marley and Me” today and I got a perfect excuse to let some tears out in a safe space (no one but me had to know that it wasn’t because of the plot-line).
And, brace yourselves for a shocker, I got some good advice today from my mom. I fully expected her advice to be just to end my relationship. To give up and move on. As if it’s that easy. But she just told me that she thinks I should go back to Vermont and start living the life I want. If it fits with J’s, great. If he resents me taking time and energy for my own self-care, to make a social network, to seek out some sort of meaningful spiritual community or any host of other things I know I need in order to be healthy….then the relationship will naturally end. She thinks that I’m putting too much energy into talking about my needs rather than just living my life according to them. I know that this approach may sound totally negligent of my partner’s needs. But he has, to date, been unable to (1) understand the concept of needs – he even says that he doesn’t understand, (2) articulate any needs himself, (3) demonstrate any needs other than for me to have no needs of my own. I have to tend to agree with my mom’s advice – if only because the talking doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere. Maybe this will be a more effective way of eliciting change in J than talking about it.
A huge loud part of me says that you shouldn’t want or need your partner to change. That love is about acceptance and compromise. But I’m being completely honest with myself that there are other parts that are speaking up that there are several things within our relationship that simply cannot continue. I’m trying to remember myself when I was healthy (including when I met J) and to begin a path back towards those values.
In my ongoing reading of the IFS relationship book, I was jolted into an upright and alert state by the following excerpt related to abandonment anxiety:
“Whenever we fall in love, the other person always appears rich with a superabundant life…extraordinarily beautiful and extraordinarily alive, an animal whose nature is not to be docile but rebellious, not weak but strong…which is free and liberating, but also unforeseeable and frightening. That is why the person who is more frightened imposes on the other a great many restrictions, a great many small sacrifices, all of which are basically intended to make her gentle, safe and innocuous. And the other person gradually accepts them. To avoid upsetting her lover, she imperceptibly eradicates everything that may have that effect. She makes many small renunciations , none of which is serious…gladly makes them because she wants her lover to be happy, and she tries to become what he wants her to be. Gradually, she becomes domestic, available, always ready, always grateful. In this way, the marvelous wild beast is reduced to a domestic pet; the tropical flower, plucked from its environment, droops in a little vase by the window. And the lover who asked her to become like this because he wanted to be reassured, because he was frightened by the new experience, winds up misisng in her what he had previously sought and found. The person who stands before him is not the same one he had fallen in love with….he asked her to moderl herself on his fears, and now he faces the result of those fears – her nothingness.”
-quoted in the IFS book from sociologist Francisco Alberoni
I want so fucking desperately to be rich with superabundant life. Not in a false way to make others feel good. I genuinely want to feel extraordinarily alive and strong. It doesn’t fit nicely into a measurable outcome but THAT is my supreme goal for 2009. Without descriptors of whether that is in a relationship with J or on my own.
The highlight reel
Life has been moving at too fast a pace recently and the emotional rollercoaster in constant acceleration and descent that I can’t even begin to imagine how to post about it. Here it is in a nutshell:
Wednesday night – J came home, we ventured to his family’s for Xmas Eve dinner. On the way he threatened to take me back home and leave me home alone because I was being too “mopey” (a.k.a. numb, dissociative, exhausted). I convinced him that I could pull it together and “fake it” for his family – which I did impeccably. And I actually felt a bit closer to him during the process.
Wednesday late night – Came home, snuggled, started to “repair” in the aftermath of conflict. He apologized for being so extreme and threatening to abandon me on Christmas eve. We talked about some of the pertinent issues in a calm way. Suddenly he gets up to leave the conversation because “you’re being so hurtful to me”. (I don’t doubt that he felt hurt. But the implication that it was intentional or my fault is not fair. I was merely talking about my need for boundaries – calm, thoughtful, not irrational or overly emotional. He was very hurt, ended the conversation by telling me he didn’t want me to come to Christmas at his family’s the next morning. He slept on the couch for the second night in a row.
Thursday a.m. – early morning discussion of plans resulted in him saying he really wanted me to come to Christmas morning at his family’s so that everyone would feel comfortable and because he would feel embarrassed if I didn’t. I did. On the drive over I requested we not talk about the conflict (he was trying to get back into it) and he responded by another threat to take me home. We made it through the morning at his family’s but with much more distance and tension than the night before.
Thursday afternoon – not really speaking post-Christmas morning. I went straight to bed for a 5 hour nap (avoidance? most definitely!). No food all day. Wanted very badly to self-destruct. Realized that I needed a safe place for the weekend and some respite from the emotional torture of our cycling conflict. Made last-minute flight arrangements to NC to be with my mom.
Thursday night – attempted to sit J down and explain WHY I needed to go to NC so that he didnt’ misinterpret it. He refused. He said that if I went to NC it was over and he’d begin to move his stuff out. He said he wanted to break up now because he feared it would happen anyway and he didn’t want to be hurt worse. I retreated to my cousin’s house for some support and called Bree for reassurance that my going to NC was well-intentioned and not negligent of my relationship. She said it sounded like self-protection and a very Self-guided decision.
Thursday late night – J wrote me an email apologizing for the threat to quit but explaining that he feels powerless over me. That everyone else in my life has influence except him. We had a good convesation about how I am starting to gain influence over my OWN life and decisions and that it probably felt yucky to him but was good for me. Talked at great length. No escalation. Slept in the same bed.
Friday 4 a.m. – awake and at the airport. Flew home. Currently typing on my step-dad’s computer.
Whew! I know, I know, it’s a bit crazy. I’m glad I made the decision, even though the conflict appeared to have relaxed a bit last night. There is really no predicting when or how or why it will escalate. I can only say this here in the relative security of the blog but I fear that I am in a doomed relationship. If it was just this conflict or our communication style I may feel differently. But I was reading an IFS book about relationships today on the plane and I can so clearly identify that in the beginnings of ALL relationships (not just J) I sublimate myself. It’s almost (in hindsight) as if I have no voice of reason. Then around month 6 the Self starts to creep in and say…is this really okay for you? Can you do this over the long-haul? But my parts answer “YES! We can do anything. That’s what love is. Putting up with whatever your partner hands you.” Then in the 12-14 month range I get exhausted. I cannot do this. I cannot commit to it. There are so many issues with our relationship that I don’t know where to begin.
Parts of me are so terrified to quit that I want to keep trying for a few more months. Parts of me fear shame and embarrassment if I call off an ENGAGEMENT. Parts of me are terrified of being alone. But all along, I’ve thought “If J and I didn’t work out, I’d kill myself.” And for the first time, I’m realizing that I wouldn’t. I’d carry on. I’d be okay. Sad, lonely, scared, empty, hurt. But I can survive on my own. Just that realization tugs at the deep down part of me that think I KNOW what to do. I just don’t want to do it, nor do I feel ready to. Especially not on the tails of so much conflict and drama. I need some space to sort it out. Luckily, for the next 3 days I have the entire eastern seaboard of space between us.
This has to go down in history as the hardest Christmas ever for me. Luckily I’m realizing that I have people I can turn to. I’m not trapped. I’m not stuck.
I have restricted severely over the past 48 hours and hope that I can start fresh tomorrow with healthy eating. Ugh. It feels like such a chore right now. Almost intolerable. The hunger feels good. But it will start to affect my mood and clarity of thinking. And if there is anything I trust right now, it’s that I’m having some clarity and perspective. I don’t want to jeoperadize that even if it means force feeding a bit.
merry day after Christmas to all. hope yours was better than mine.
FRUSTRATION
Conflict with J is ongoing and immensely frustrating. It’s really stirring up my parts and resembling the dynamic between me and my father (which Bree asserts isn’t coincidence – apparently we have a tendency to partner with people to continue a familiar cycle). Luckily I had a therapy appointment at 1:30 today but the hour before was spent in conflict culminating in me weeping hopelessly on the couch. The drive to therapy was consumed by the following thoughts from my “firefighter”parts:
1. I want to kill myself
2. I never want to eat again as long as I live
3. I want to fly home right now
4. I want to rent a hotel room for the next week and not come out of it
5. purge purge purge
I rehashed parts of the conflict with Bree and got major reassurance that what I was saying to J was HEALTHY and marks progress for me. Laying down boundaries (I don’t want anyone I know to read my blog), asserting my needs (I need some space right now and don’t feel like cuddling), speaking for my parts (Part of me felt really abandoned and rejected last night when you slept from the time I got home to the time I went to bed).
She tried to deduce from what she knows of J what might contribute to his particular conflict style. But mainly she explained that what J fell in love with was a me who was obsessively nurturing and caretaking, asserted no needs or boundaries, appeared always happy and was “highly functional”. I was living from my manager and helper parts. As I’m gaining some Self, he’s feeling like he’s losing something (something every man would want….a woman who takes care of EVERYTHING without so much as a peep). But ultimately she reassured me that gaining Self is what I need to do – for me and for the long-term sustainability of any relationship I am in. I just hope J can hang in there through it and adjust to the new me. I hope that he can use his therapy time to work through some of this stuff. Unfortunately I’ve never felt like he gains much insight or clarity or perspective in his therapy – truly I don’t know what he talks about or works on. I wish we could be back in couples therapy so we could talk about this stuff. Maybe something to put back on the table as an option.
Weird ED moment of the day: during conflict trying hard to get a salad down before therapy but started crying and feeling really really emotional. So….right there in front of J I spit the chewed lettuce back on the plate and proceeded to swab by finger all over my mouth to remove all the food. Ugh – gross. But I could NOT swallow food at that moment. It was revolting to me. I finished the salad a few hours later after therapy. Don’t want to eat dinner at all but there I’ll sit in front of J’s entire family pushing food around on my plate. FUCK I hate this.
Anyhoo..it’s Christmas eve. We’re supposed to be at his family’s house in 25 minutes for dinner. J isn’t home yet from Christmas shopping. I’m irritated. I’ll put on my happy face for the next few hours, I suppose. Really I’d like to stay home and read…although that is really sad and pathetic on Christmas.
Hope Santa’s good to everyone. Merry Merry, as my mom says.
quiet night at the Moseberg’s
J has been sleeping since I got home from work at 5:30. It is now nearly 10 p.m. and I’m wrapping up my day and about to go to bed for the night. I can’t help but think that his slumber is fueled by avoidance and passive aggressiveness. It’s making me feel really really pissed off.
I purged my dinner. Fuck. I have grandiose schemes in my head of serious restricting over the holidays. Double fuck. Yesterday may have been a bit much for my system to handle without flaring up my ED/protector parts. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Dinner wasn’t anything more than I’ve eaten over the past few days without purging so I feel like that is a nice bit of empirical data that tells me so much of it has to do with emotions (wait, but I already knew that). Days like these I just want to run away from my life. Parts of me don’t want to marry this man. Parts of me don’t want to join his name and mine on a mortgage. Parts of me get hopeless and start thinking suicidal thoughts. Parts of me imagine planning a trip to NC to see my mom and just not returning. But those are just parts. They have their reasons.
Where did my Self go?
A post about S-E-X.
Enticing, eh? Don’t hold your breath, you’ll pass out with anticipation. I’m not really feeling open to sharing details but J and I had a conversation about our sex life tonight. A life which has been dwindling for about 6 months and has dried to a meager sporadic trickle now. We’re not even married! Isn’t this supposed to happen around year 6 of matrimony? Not on your one year anniversary of dating?
I tried, really, with everything in me not to get too reactive, too inflammatory, too dramatic. To maintain a calm tone and speak for my parts instead of from them. But my LORD he makes it difficult. Everything is about him. Part of me feels it is utterly impossible to utter a single syllable about our relationship without him feeling judged, shamed, or altogether criticized. I attempted approximately 23 times to reframe or restate some of my feelings in a way that didn’t inflame his insecurities but then a feeling started creeping in that this was more than his self-esteem (perffect example – my use of the word “creeping” in this sentence would have elicited, “well, that is just really hurtful to me that you’re calling me a creep. no wonder I don’t want to have sex with you”). That somehow by getting so offended, he was controlling me. It is a not-so-subtle throw-back to the way my father reacts in conflict. Get so personally offended that the other part abandons their cause to try to care for you; tease out the caretaker part and make her apologize for any assertiveness or honesty she may have experienced, thereby negating her needs.
Well, fuck. Bree has said that my therapeutic work may be a bit slower because of my prime relationship mirroring some of my old ones and “stirring up” my parts. I didn’t at first want to admit that this was true, but tonight it started coming into focus. That recognition of being manipulated and feeling trapped by it. So what happens, class, when I feel trapped?? Everyone say it with me, “self-destruction”. That’s right. So first, as I fell asleep, I vowed to give up food forever (not even snacks) – just torture myself to death with a hunger strike. Then the desire to slice rivers of blood down my thighs (interesting if only because I’ve never cut before). Then came the suicidal ideation – at least it had some creativity this time – take a handful of Valium and go lay down in the snow in the middle of a field and die of hypothermia. I’ve heard that you go crazy first with giddiness from the cold and that sounds pretty appealling to me.
A part of me throughout this whole hour+ ordeal was screaming inside, “You had one hell of an emotional night. Now is just not the time to be getting into this with J.” Another part was shouting, “Fuck you, dude. Don’t ever say, “no wonder i don’t want to have sex with you” to me!!” And a third, “You are a narcissistic prick just like my father.” But I thought better than to speak for these parts.
