Impulsivity and Regret
Mental note: must research the difference between impulsivity and compulsivity.
I remember my Aunt Julie used to have these fabulous easter toys – all Chinese imports with poisonous paint, I’m sure. Among them were these suction cup bunnies with springs. You’d stick them to the table (only after licking them for added suction – and added saliva hickeys on the coffeetable) and wait and wait until the suction gave out and they went boinging skyward. That tension, the palpable anticipatory stress intended to bring joy and excitement was painful for me. Excruciating. It made me want to squirm and squeeze the nearest hand until metacarpals fractured. It made me feel teary-eyed and an urgent need to pee.
And now, that feeling is back. So all this pressure building up, is it self-inflicted? Am I anxious because I’m lonely and bored or because I fill that void with endless possibilities? I could move. I could stay and buy a condo. I could take a job at the hospital (where I have an appointment to shadow the therapist there tomorrow). I could take a travel position and live anywhere. I could stay put. I could downsize to a cheaper apartment. I could stay here and pinch pennies. But all THAT uncertainty is self-generated. I don’t really have any decisions to make, why do I create them?
So I’ve made some imulsive decisions lately, none with grave consequences but I’m feeling regretful and a bit embarrassed by them or at least ashamed of them despite no one else really knowing. Here are several of these impulsive actions: I emailed about a job opening at a pediatric clinic in Charlotte, NC (haven’t heard any response in the 24 hours since I sent it but I’m check check checking until I do). I posted an ad on Craigslist for my apartment. I’ve emailed other people about their available apartments. I set up this appointment to shadow at the hospital (well, technically that was set up a few weeks ago). I’m embarrassed because these decisions, while reflecting my thoughts at that moment, were not well-thought out and put me in awkward positions. A couple looked at my apartment tonight despite the fact that I haven’t commited to move. Why didn’t I just tell them it’s not available when they called? Why can’t I have the nerve to undo a minor impulsive mistake. Why do I feel so ashamed of the situations I get myself into when I’m spinning my wheels so quickly like I am now. What drives me to act so quickly and without taking the time to think things through? Is this the same tendency that gets me into trouble in relationships? I am so fucking uncomfortable just thinking about something – sitting with it – pondering it – letting it simmer in my brain. I just want to commit. Just so it’ll stop rattling around in this noggin of mine. I want an answer. Because the situation is no longer black, I want to paint it stark white right now, even if it takes eleven coats of paint (which it wouldn’t if I’d taken the time to purchase and apply a primer but that feels like it delays the gratification so I skipped that step). I am swimming in a sea of gray right now and it feels like shark-infested waters. I want out out out. But the only way out is to stay here and relax, stop fighting, and realize that the shark fins are a figment of my anxious, uncomfortable imagination.
Lola Snow said,
January 14, 2009 at 5:16 am
Sometimes I think people can make all the right thought process, weigh up their options and make a hard decision, only to regret it later and mark it down as impulsive. If you make a decision which pushes you out of your comfort zone, it can leave you feeling exposed and vunerable. Easier afterwards to beat yourself up for being impulsive, than to look at why you are feeling exposed.
Nothing you have done cannot be undone if you want it to be. People generally take these things so much better than you think they will, and understand if you regret putting yourself out there, When you have a lot going on, it can be too much, too soon, or just too much full stop. There are always choices NB, you are a strong and brave person, capable of running your own life, and dictating your own decisions.
Hang tough. I respect you a lot, and nothing will change that.
Lola x
eshoe said,
January 14, 2009 at 6:29 pm
I agree with Lola. I had plans to move (within my company) to another state, had an apartment with 2 other friends lined up….only to cancel out at the last minute.
Had I not cancelled, I never would have met my husband. Yet the guilt I felt was overwhelming, I had let so many people down. When instead I should have been concentrating on my needs (in a healthy manner), I wanted to please others.
Your gut tells you what the right thing is to do; follow it.
Harriet Welch said,
January 15, 2009 at 12:21 am
According to dictionary.com:
impulsive = Inclined to act on impulse rather than thought
compulsive = Caused or conditioned by compulsion or obsession
I hate when they use the word in the definition.
impulse = A sudden wish or urge that prompts an unpremeditated act or feeling
compulsion = An irresistible impulse to act, regardless of the rationality of the motivation
That’s so not helpful, is it? To me an impulse is a one time thing, a compulsion is when one does something over and over again. But I just made that up, better check with a psychiatrist.
But in any case, I think there is something to be said for impulsive decisions. You know your personality better than anyone, so you know whether or not you can trust your impulses. It sounds like you’re not trusting them completely right now due to lots of anxiety and change in your life.
I’m sorry for your distress, I hope you feel better soon.