just say no to isolation
Lately, I’ve been really fighting these dark insidious whispers of disordered thinking. I’m well beyond my comfort point in my body – I am conscious of lumps, bumps, curves and rolls for what seems like every waking minute of every day. My brain bounces between the following 3 lines of thought:
1) okay, so you’ve gained some weight and it feels yucky. so just get a little more active and watch the sweets and alcohol. just focus on being healthy and you’ll be fine.
2) this is what recovery is. it feels gross. if it feels disgusting to your ED brain then you must be at a healthy weight. relax and forget about it.
3) ewwww. must. lose. now. i know how. i can drop back down to a comfortable weight in 3-4 weeks if i try.
Note the unintentional use of the second person in the #’s 1 and 2 but the first person in #3. Interesting. I don’t quite know what to make of that but I’m sure a psychoanalyst would have a field day.
In an attempt to combat the deep urges to isolate into my cave of sickness, I joined a large outdoor adventure club in hopes of some kayaking, hiking and general get out of the house activities. Went for a group run tonight which was pretty good. I met a few people who seemed nice, got some exercise and came home hungry for a home-cooked dinner. But it always feels like “recovery” and “health” require such deliberate effort and intention on my part. Like if I let my guard down and stop putting myself out there I’ll slip back into it. If I give myself “down time” then these thoughts will take over. It’s making me cry right now just typing that. It just hits me sometimes how unending this fight seems to be. Even when I’m not struggling outwardly I’m fucking fighting on the inside.
On that note I’ve been crying a little bit lately, which I guess is good. I wept on the car-ride home from a “new therapist” appointment Friday. I didn’t like her. We didn’t click and I felt uncomfortable with her banter and her comments about what I had said. I also felt really really gross having spilled a huge steaming pile of my historical shit on the floor of her office at our first meeting. It’s not what i want. I want to wait until I’m comfortable. I want to wait until there’s trust and all parts are ready. To wait until I feel ready to commit to a therapeutic relationship with her. But I’m not good at that……
(insert 40 minute pause from typing) …..and now back after sobbing head down on my desk, emailing B. to request a phone appointment and then climbing into a hot bath to cry some more. I’m not sure which comes first – the hopelessness or the eating disorder. But I feel brainwashed by the hopelessness right now. I just feel like I’m wandering aimlessly through life. I’m 28, single, in a new city, new job. Just feeling unanchored and meaningless. What AM I healthy for? What AM I fighting so hard for? Some days I forget. The only answer I can pull is Sam the dog. I’d never let him down. But I look at my friends with husbands and children and exotic vacations and well-decorated homes with manicured lawns and they seem so…permanent and settled and…real. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have those things. Some days I feel like I’m too messed up to have them.
The last thing I want to put out there in this jumbled headspace of a post is that I am so sad from talking about food. Being in a new place and being out to eat with people I don’t know well and being offered cake at work on someone’s birthday and having a great italian place recommended to me on tonight’s run…it’s just all too much. It’s hard enough to have an eating disorder but to have a ridiculously restrictive food allergy that fucking EVERYONE wants to ask 10 billion questions about is just downright cruel. I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT FOOD. I DON’T WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS IF I EAT GLUTEN. SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE AND EAT YOUR CAKE IN PEACE. Okay. Maybe there’s an angry part in addition to the sad part. I just have never been able to come up with a script of what to say in such situations that doesn’t (a) sound rude, (b) let on that I have an eating disorder, and (c) discuss my bowel functions to perfect strangers.
I’m trying not to isolate. But how do you NOT isolate when all anyone seems want to do or talk about is EATING!
good night. thanks for listening.
Lisa Marie said,
June 3, 2009 at 3:56 am
Big virtual hugs. I am so sorry you are having trouble finding a new therapist that you like. It such a hit or miss game.
I unloaded a steaming pile of my own food issues today. I have been so desperate to lose weight that I have been yo-yo-ing between not eating then contemplating purging when I do. I’ve been dancing around telling her because I feel that I’m just wasting her time because I haven’t done that, and I don’t do it often enough to think I have an ED… but still, it was hard. You are such and inspiration to me. You are so strong!
Harriet said,
June 3, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I’m sorry you’re feeling so down and alone. Sounds like you are in a vulnerable place right now.
28 is still really young you know. It probably doesn’t seem that way to you. I didn’t get married until I was 28, and I definitely didn’t have kids and a nice house and a manicured lawn until much later. (Actually the lawn is frequently not manicured, more like uncontrolled weeds.)
I hope you find a therapist that you connect with, there are lots out there, but it’s a hassle wading through them all. Worth it in the end though.
eshoe said,
June 5, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Sometimes I think people talk about food so muh b/c they are uncomfortable discussing anything else. It’s familiar and comfoting to them.
One thing my T told me is to be patient with myself. I cried a good portion of the day this week, and although it didn’t solve my fears/insecurities, I felt better afterwards.
Much love to you, dear.
e
greythinking said,
June 8, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Good for you for joining the outdoor adventure group and going on the group run! I think that those are huge first steps. I moved to a new city last summer and still struggle to get out of the house and meet people. It’s such a frustrating cycle — I don’t know anyone so I isolate, which makes me depressed… but then because I’m depressed I don’t want to go out and join a group or put all the initial energy into meeting people.
That is GREAT that you did sign up for group activities (although they are both semi-suspiciously exercise related) — hopefully you’ll soon feel less like you are making yourself go and more like you are looking forward to the activity and the people.