November Blue

I hate that I primarily post when things are going wrong. Much in my life has been going right of late so I hope I don’t paint the wrong picture.

Newguy finally called this evening and apologized for his distance this week. My head was all swimmy and my chest ached so I didn’t fully process much of his explanation. Something about feeling like he’s right back in a relationship and needing time to decompress. He thinks I’m awesome and still wants to hang out as friends. And all I heard was “I don’t like you”. And both of us were talking in circles with voices strained with attempts to bluff the other into thinking we’re apathetic to the situation. So after I quickly ended the conversation and hung up, I cried some more. And I called some friends (the couple who set us up). And I drove  around in my car. I realized that the pain I was feeling told a lot. It was a sign that I had put myself out there in a way that I usually don’t. It meant that I allowed myself to truly care about someone -even if just a bit. It’s in a way that’s more real than I’ve ever allowed it to be. And the tears of this weekend (I think I’m up to four crying spells in three days now) means I’m actually feeling. I’m not dissociating or purging or drinking or rationalizing. I’m feeling. Miserable, but feeling. And way down somewhere deep I started feeling a tiny bit grateful for the experience – even if it’s just one to learn from. And I started to regret my reactionary, distant, hidden and altogether inauthentic response to Newguy’s explanation.

So I called him back an hour later. I explained that I wasn’t trying to be crazy or put pressure on him but that I really wanted to understand and that I hadn’t been able to be open to listening during our first conversation. So we talked. And it finally felt like the Newguy that I know and can be honest with one the phone. I think me bringing my real Self to the conversation allowed him to do the same. And he seemed completely honest and apologetic about the fact that he had only been out of a relationship for 2 weeks when we were set up and suddenly, despite all attempts to take it slow, he felt like he was back in a “couple” again. And he has doubts about the timing of that and wants to step back from it.

Okay, now I definitely have parts that want to take the whole thing personally and feel rejected (I hear ya loud and clear, parts!). But I also thought about the realization I had no too many months ago that I jump from one relationship to another without processing and returning to my own self. And I tried to be objective. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone if the timing isn’t right and may come back to bite us in the ass. It sucks to be the innocent victim of someone else’s timing but perhaps I’m not. Maybe it’s a good thing that I also get some time to stop and refocus on me. I don’t want to hold my breath and of course I’ll go on living my life, but maybe in a few weeks or a few months Newguy will be ready and we’ll both be glad we took that time to be sure. And maybe he won’t and I’ll move on. Either way I guess conversation #2 made a lot of sense and made me quite proud of my Self.