Taking back some control
Newguy and I had briefly discussed possibly taking our last whitewater kayaking lesson together this weekend. “It would have to be Sunday”, he said. “Well keep me posted on whether you want to do it together or separate”, I responded. And then I got invited to go to the movies on Sunday – actually 2 separate movie invites. My Saturday is wide open. So rather than sit around all day tomorrow anxious about whether he will or won’t call/text/facebook/etc. and miss out on movies, I’ve decided to go take my lesson solo – today – Saturday. Because I want to. Because I can. Because in some infinitesimal way, it gives me a little control. A little independence and autonomy. And because that’s part of the consequence of his ending our relationship – I get to do whatever the fuck I want.
I am in love with whitewater kayaking. And I want it to be my adventure – not dependent on someone I’m dating. I want to feel completely okay going out there on the water by myself. I want to meet a group of new friends out on the waves. My own little world that maybe I’ll share with someone one day but not because I have to for fear of being alone. In some ways I enjoy the fact that none of my friends are into whitewater kayaking. It’s mine.
Lisa Marie said,
August 30, 2009 at 4:15 am
Good for you! For something that you enjoy so passionately, you should never have to rely on someone else to get you there.
I went kayaking this summer in CO with my two younger cousins (who live there and have been mountain men since they were born) and my older cousin. We went tandem in a sit-on-top, did great for 2+ hours then managed to go too far river left trying to avoid some rocks and capsized right in front of where we were supposed to dock. With our parents standing right there. With cameras.
LOL, not my finest moment, but I still like kayaking!
Harriet said,
August 31, 2009 at 12:21 am
Whitewater kayaking! You’re so brave. And good for you for doing what you want.