November Blue

The last 12 hours have been a whirlwind. Kayaking was great. Went out with a girlfriend and her new man (as an aside – she is totally headfirst diving into a new relationship – 4 weeks in and talking of moving out of state to be with him…reminds me of an old me). Came home, got in bed and – BAM – drunken text from newguy asking to crash on my couch so he doesn’t have to drive home (his house is about 20 minutes farther from downtown). I told him to call a cab. He was already driving to my place. And once here he got really apologetic and said he felt like he was crossing the line and being an asshole. “Well it may not be your classiest move ever,” I said, “but you’re here and you’re drunk and you’re giving me your keys. You can call a cab, let me drive you home, or crash on my couch. Regardless of how or why you got me involved, you did and now it’s my job to keep you safe.”

Fast-forward through the apologies and awkwardness to the point when he started to really talk honestly to me about what he was thinking and feeling. Damn. This guy needs IFS in his life. He described,unknowingly, some of his conflicting parts. Namely his protectors, who shut people out when he gets scared because he only feels safe on his own. And then the part that wants connection and feels it with me.

I feel like when he is really present with me, I’m able to be Self-led in our interactions. And that is hugely (a) new, and (b) awesome. It makes me want to call B and tell her. It makes me feel like my therapy is really working. So we came up with a sort of compromise that we both just be honest and tell each other exactly what we’re feeling – even if it’s “i’m scared out of my mind. it feels too close and i want to not see you for a week.” I really truly feel that I could hear that from this person and not take it personally. And I feel like he could do the same for me. I asked him to just tell me when the shutting out part was in high gear – just say “I’m freaking out and part of me wants to push you away”. He seemed genuinely amazed and appreciative of that freedom.

*sigh* I have no idea what our relationship will look like for awhile in terms of how much time spent together, how much physical intimacy, etc. but I feel confident that it will at least feel safe for both of us.