Grey Day
Just a grey day here. Lots of intention to do things. Not a lot got done. Took a day off work and feel it was wasted. What did I expect? It’s me. Me who has lost any sense of adventure. Me with the social isolation. Me with the inertia holding her back.
I’m feeling pretty grey after my birthday. I got about a million and one facebook happy birthday wishes, about 6 phone calls and a dinner of leftovers and Grey’s Anatomy DVD alone. It’s that last part that’s really affecting my mood. What a pathetic evening, one that happens at least 5 out of every 7 on any given week. But it hurt on my birthday. A lot. I talked about it in therapy today and how I have a really hard time making close friends. I meet people easily, make a good first impression, am generally likeable but have such a hard time forming closer more meaningful bonds. I totally realize that I have a part to play in that. I avoid opening up and experiencing vulnerability at all costs, which tends to keep friendships superficial and doesn’t welcome intimacy or connection. But also, B. brought up a really valid point that those intense friendships take time – for everyone. After high school, I’ve never lived anywhere long enough for it to happen. Which I think factors into my addiction to intense romantic relationships – it’s an easy way to feel that connection pretty quickly. But this whole friendship thing is going to be really important if I’m going to not fall head first into another relationship that’s not right for me. And it is factoring HUGELY into my decisions about where to relocate. The main city where I’ve investigated jobs and sent my resume is a city where one of my oldest friends lives, where I have a cousin close to my age, where several of my sorority sisters from college live – who I feel closer to than most acquaintances. There’s a bit of a support system there. It’s also within a days’ drive of about 30 other friends and family.
In other news, I had my first chiropractic appointment today. It’s a newer form that isn’t about cracking and popping and forceful manipulation of the spine. It was…exactly the opposite…the guy touched me about as lightly as you would to dial a number on your cell phone….about 10 times. And that was it. He told me a bunch of stuff was wrong with my spine and then told me to come back twice a week. I left with a brief feeling of – “ooohh…did it work? can I feel anything different?” and then…”no. not really. other than the discrete absence of $100 from my checking account.” I do want to pursue some more body work, especially during this time of transition. But I feel like I’d rather put my money towards accupuncture – which I know makes me feel different right after. I highly recommend alternative holistic health treatments – but only one’s that feel effective. I know that’s likely not the same for everyone but I don’t think Network Chiropractic is for me.
life and other busy-ness
My work life has been absurdly busy the last 4 days I’ve been there. My office is merely a place to toss my coat and Sam’s leash in the morning and a depository for paperwork throughout the day. Paperwork I never get a chance to file, look at or even sit still in close proximity to. It’s good to be busy, though. Certainly makes my not-so-busy evenings feel welcoming and comforting rather than painfully empty. Although, recently even those evenings haven’t been free of the busy-ness. Between cleaning, cooking and eating dinner, walking the dog, getting lost in Barnes and Noble* on my commute home and group therapy 2x a week – bedtime keeps getting later and my evenings feel pretty full.
I ate more than would have wanted tonight but luckily had stocked my pantry with really only healthy things….so my post-dinner snacks were half an acorn squash, an orange, and a yogurt. Hardly can beat myself up about that, right?! Still want to work on the food zone out and downloaded Geneen Roth’s book “Food is Love” tonight to listen to while dog-walking. Mainly I bought it because it was mentioned in a podcast I was listening to tonight (coincidentally about food and nutrition and even more coincidentally heavily weighted toward a “mindful eating” approach rather than counting calories, food logs, etc.).
This Friday I fly back to my homestate to visit a dear friend in Charlotte. Technically speaking, he was my high school sweetheart but it has morphed into my second longest friendship and a really wonderful supportive relationship. So I’m leaving my pup at home with a professional dog-sitting service. I have a lot of leaving-Sam-anxiety and it’s ramping up as evidenced by 4 drafts of an information page of everythingyouneedtoknowaboutSamandthensome because it didn’t seem thorough enough on the first 3 attempts. Should be a really great weekend, though, with coffee dates on the horizon with several other friends who live there. And it’ll be nice to escape the busy-ness and have a long weekend**!
*My local Barnes and Noble officially blows goats. Of the 17 books I have gone there seeking lately, they have had 1 – ONE – in stock. I finally caved and ordered two today and cross my fingers they’ll arrive before my flight on Friday.
**I don’t really consider it a day off, however, when I reschedule all my Monday clients for the remaining 3.5 days of my workweek. I wish I was better at just saying – I’m on vacation and will not be rescheduling. Maybe next time? For now my quest to make everyone else happy all the time continues…
p.s. as I was tagging this post I had a moment of shock and horror when I realized that in my tag cloud suicidality is bigger than The Avett Brothers. Must insert more TAB into my blogging and rectify this situation!
Food confessions
In yoga, the pose that you are most resistant to is often the one you most need. Not to say that you have to force yourself into full lotus, just spend some time in asanas that challenge you – that perhaps you dread in an instructor-led class – that you never include in your home practice. I love forward folds – they are my yoga forte and I could do them all day. But their counter-poses – heart openers – I could live without. Interestingly enough, when yoga was just yoga to me I didn’t understand why I might be so resistant to bending my torso in a different direction, especially when it didn’t appear to be a physical limitation that held me back. Now, as I’ve grown in my understanding of the practice, I realize that heart openers release a lot of emotion. And I’ve found myself feeling very sad, even teary-eyed at the end of group yoga sessions that were heavy on heart openers. With time, I’m getting more comfortable with these postures and feeling less resistance to them, and perhaps to the emotions they unleash. So it seems the yoga + therapy model of ED treatment is working for me.
So all of this is a grandeouse introduction to the topic I so so so so have not wanted to broach – on this blog, in my head, or by any other means. But I can see that I need to face the discomfort in order to figure out what’s underneath. I have been struggling lately. Not with purging. Not with restricting. But with mindless eating. Ugh. Even just thinking about it makes me feel disgusting and powerless. I’ve never been one to “binge” thousands of calories in one sitting. But I’m a grazer who, lately has gone wild. Somehow a meal isn’t enough. I find myself following up dinner with 3 snacks. Some of them are even healthy – but obviously I’m not hungry for them in the physiological sense. Ew. I’m getting really anxious just talking about it because it is such a revolting display of lack of self-control, awareness, health and everything else that I value.
The beauty of blogging is that writing can bring me some perspective on what’s going on in my little world. And as I typed the paragraph above, a phrase popped into my head begging to be typed… “It’s like I have vacated my body”. The SAME phrase which has been my descriptor recently when describing how I am in the beginnings of relationships with men. I, me, my thoughts/desires/emotions just vanish leaving a large void to be filled…by men and apparently by food. Now I’m feeling quite self-conscious of sounding like a cheesy Intro to Psychology textbook’s paragraph about Bulimia. But it feels kind of true.
These snack-fests feel like binges and come with a wave of shame and disgust afterwards. They’re the same type of eating experiences that lead to purging — except that I haven’t felt strong urges to do that lately (HELL FUCKING YEAH, RECOVERY!). It is as if there is no “stop” button at the end of a meal. And I’m also snacking to the point that I’m not feeling hungry – pretty much ever. Hunger is a huge anxiety trigger for me – both because of ED and because of my long history of gastrointestinal problems. So there are probably multiple contributing factors to my grotesque eating patterns.
And not that I’m letting ED take back the steering wheel, but I hear it’s voice calmly stating, “see, this is why I have to purge. because if I just let you keep doing this, you’d be fat.” And my fear is, that it probably will. I’ve always had ED tactics to keep my weight in check but now that I’m “in recovery” there are no purges or 5 day fasts or half-marathon runs to combat this eating. So I’ve got to face the eating.
So where do I go when I vacate this body? How can I prevent it? Is it true dissociation or just cruise-control mindlessness? What’s triggering it?
Ugh. I can’t believe I talked about this. I feel like crawling in a hole now.
A Cooking Quandry
Why is it that my newfound single-dom makes me more inclined to (1) cook, and (2) actually look forward to cooking? Why when there was someone else to cook for did I avoid, despise and resent the act? I viewed it as a duty rather than a hobby. Interesting….
So I’m excited to make some chili and gluten-free corn bread for dinner tonight. Perfect comfort food for the cold temps. My eating has been so much more normalized lately. Less guilt. Less black and white “good food” and “bad food” games. Less sense that eating is a an act demonstrative of a supreme loss of control. No restricting. No purging (oh yeah – I said it. No purging since my trip to North Carolina). Sure my pants are fitting a bit tighter, but they were my “sick” pants, afterall. And it seems so contrary to my current state of mind to be caught up in such superficialities. My ability to view thoughts of weight and appearance as superficial is one of the clearest signs that I’ve gained some distance from my disordered mind-set. Certainly when I’m “in it”, these thoughts are far from superficial. They are meaningful to the core of my being. Of utmost importance. The key to my feeling okay in the world. But that’s not today. Today I wish my butt looked the way it did when I was 19. Who doesn’t? But it’s not going to stop me from enjoying food and being healthy.
I’ve felt the restlessness and obsessions relax a bit over the past few days. Less speed and urgency to my thoughts. I’m sleeping soundly through the night. I’m a little more able to enjoy the quiet solitude that fills the majority of my non-working hours. Some people pay large sums of money and travel across the country for a weekend of quiet solitude. I’ve been listening to several podcasts lately about health and well-being, spirituality and simplicity. It’s hitting me that what so many people yearn for and struggle to find – time – has landed in my lap. While anxiety-provoking in the short-term, this blessing of time opens the doors to health, friendship, self-discovery and simple living. It really puts things into focus when I think about all the women out there who struggle to find 30 minutes in any given day for themselves. I have an abundance of time for me and I am starting to appreciate that for what it really is – a gift.
Friday in a nutshell
-up early
-half-day at the old place of employment
-nap
-shopping for pretty undies (gift cards are wonderful motivators to splurge on lacy things)
-dinner cooked & eaten (love those sweet potatoes)
-gym workout completed (“normal person” workout plus weights)
- bubble bath taken
-wine drunk
-nails painted
-Grey’s Anatomy DVD watched (vague recollection that I HAVE seen season 3 before)
-chapter in novel read (NYT bestselling “Special Topics in Calamity Physics” by Marisha Pessle)
All in all a good day. A bit lonely but kept myself meaningfully occupied with less ruminating and obsessing than in recent days. I did have one of my “kids” (by which I am referring to a 16 year old boy – 6′1″ and 200+ lbs. ) attempt to physically attack me twice. Cue the adrenaline and surges of want for a different job. I had “backup” and was safe (the same kid has successfully attacked me before so I knew the cues and activated my most effective plan for dealing with aggressions – RUN like hell. Attempt not to squeal – detracts from your professionalism).
Not much content here, apologies. Will undoubtedly delve deep into philiosophy, religion, psychoanalysis and psychic premonitions tomorrow.
A New Year’s Challenge
My college roommates and I have a tradition of spending New Year’s Eve together (although not this year). And annually we craft a cheesy rhyming slogan for the year ahead which we begin the evening toasting to and end the evening staggering down a sidewalk holding each other up and shouting at innocent bystanders (okay, gawkers, we ARE quite a sight). “Get your kicks in 2K6!” (although slurred, it sounds more like “Geh yukkkkkssss n toookysssxxx”…stagger stagger stumble). “Things will be great in 2008!”.
So, my challenge and yours is to craft this year’s slogan. Extra points for rhyming, inspirational/recovery value, or self-depricating eating disorder humor. Examples:
- No porceline in ‘09 (mispronounced for the sake of rhyming)
-My food is mine in 2009
- No more cryin’ in ‘09 (my therapist would not appreciate this one as she sees tears as little wet banners of progress)
In other news, work was short and sweet. Therapy productive. Group was good – yoga was exceptional tonight. Extended talk with J afterwards about 3002 different things but all was healthy and calm and honest. Feeling hesitatingly reconnected to him a bit. Anxious about the uncertainty of my relationship but willing to sit with that discomfort in order that we both “do the work” to attempt to improve our relationship. Ate 3 meals today without toilet bowl worship. Woo hoo. (2 days of woo hoos in a row = hot damn!)
Half day tomorrow and then a New Year’s Eve date night/anniversary celebration with J.
Soooo incredibly excited to actually have time to post a “real” post tomorrow. These are just words. Daily goings-on. Hardly representative of what’s really inside this head and heart (and tummy – digesting away on that dinner).
FRUSTRATION
Conflict with J is ongoing and immensely frustrating. It’s really stirring up my parts and resembling the dynamic between me and my father (which Bree asserts isn’t coincidence – apparently we have a tendency to partner with people to continue a familiar cycle). Luckily I had a therapy appointment at 1:30 today but the hour before was spent in conflict culminating in me weeping hopelessly on the couch. The drive to therapy was consumed by the following thoughts from my “firefighter”parts:
1. I want to kill myself
2. I never want to eat again as long as I live
3. I want to fly home right now
4. I want to rent a hotel room for the next week and not come out of it
5. purge purge purge
I rehashed parts of the conflict with Bree and got major reassurance that what I was saying to J was HEALTHY and marks progress for me. Laying down boundaries (I don’t want anyone I know to read my blog), asserting my needs (I need some space right now and don’t feel like cuddling), speaking for my parts (Part of me felt really abandoned and rejected last night when you slept from the time I got home to the time I went to bed).
She tried to deduce from what she knows of J what might contribute to his particular conflict style. But mainly she explained that what J fell in love with was a me who was obsessively nurturing and caretaking, asserted no needs or boundaries, appeared always happy and was “highly functional”. I was living from my manager and helper parts. As I’m gaining some Self, he’s feeling like he’s losing something (something every man would want….a woman who takes care of EVERYTHING without so much as a peep). But ultimately she reassured me that gaining Self is what I need to do – for me and for the long-term sustainability of any relationship I am in. I just hope J can hang in there through it and adjust to the new me. I hope that he can use his therapy time to work through some of this stuff. Unfortunately I’ve never felt like he gains much insight or clarity or perspective in his therapy – truly I don’t know what he talks about or works on. I wish we could be back in couples therapy so we could talk about this stuff. Maybe something to put back on the table as an option.
Weird ED moment of the day: during conflict trying hard to get a salad down before therapy but started crying and feeling really really emotional. So….right there in front of J I spit the chewed lettuce back on the plate and proceeded to swab by finger all over my mouth to remove all the food. Ugh – gross. But I could NOT swallow food at that moment. It was revolting to me. I finished the salad a few hours later after therapy. Don’t want to eat dinner at all but there I’ll sit in front of J’s entire family pushing food around on my plate. FUCK I hate this.
Anyhoo..it’s Christmas eve. We’re supposed to be at his family’s house in 25 minutes for dinner. J isn’t home yet from Christmas shopping. I’m irritated. I’ll put on my happy face for the next few hours, I suppose. Really I’d like to stay home and read…although that is really sad and pathetic on Christmas.
Hope Santa’s good to everyone. Merry Merry, as my mom says.
quiet night at the Moseberg’s
J has been sleeping since I got home from work at 5:30. It is now nearly 10 p.m. and I’m wrapping up my day and about to go to bed for the night. I can’t help but think that his slumber is fueled by avoidance and passive aggressiveness. It’s making me feel really really pissed off.
I purged my dinner. Fuck. I have grandiose schemes in my head of serious restricting over the holidays. Double fuck. Yesterday may have been a bit much for my system to handle without flaring up my ED/protector parts. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Dinner wasn’t anything more than I’ve eaten over the past few days without purging so I feel like that is a nice bit of empirical data that tells me so much of it has to do with emotions (wait, but I already knew that). Days like these I just want to run away from my life. Parts of me don’t want to marry this man. Parts of me don’t want to join his name and mine on a mortgage. Parts of me get hopeless and start thinking suicidal thoughts. Parts of me imagine planning a trip to NC to see my mom and just not returning. But those are just parts. They have their reasons.
Where did my Self go?
Making some changes
I moved this comfy IKEA chair and ottomon I have into our spare bedroom (which for awhile was madeover as my crafting room but my crafting energy has been drained for quite sometime) and draped it with a soft blanket as my new “blogging nook”. It will hopefully provide a little “me space” for retreat and renewal. It’s got cozy lamp-light and a good vibe. Maybe I’ll even use my craft table to wrap some gifts later.
I made it through today with some victories in the ED department. I noticed at lunch when the anxiety about how much food I was eating set in. I stopped. I got out of the house. Later I was hungry and thoughtlessly bought and ate some M&M’s while out Christmas shopping. Immediately my brain started it’s plotting and planning and heading to purge-ville. So I just breathed and reasoned with myself that it would fill in for my afternoon snack. No need to eat more and push myself WAY past the comfort level. On the whole I’m feeling uncomfortable with having eaten two meals and two snacks today with no workout on the horizon but I’m trying to relax and not let my ED parts jump ahead to “making up for it tomorrow”. This could be the first day of healthy eating in weeks. I’m feeling optimistic that I can make it through without purging, too. Whew, this could be a biggie and I’m allowing the part of me that feels proud to pat myself on the back. I’m also trying to understand the parts that are hissing rage and self-criticism. What do they need that they aren’t getting by me eating well and not purging?
Emotionally I’m feeling quite sad right now and it is a huge step for me to identify that and tolerate it a bit. I cried on my drive back home from Christmas shopping. I didn’t go to the gym as planned because I felt sad and wanted to just “be with it” rather than pound it out of me on the treadmill (a breakthrough, I think). I just felt very alone in the world spending hours this afternoon wandering the shops, to be thinking so much of family (and what the heck to buy them?!) but not be with them. I also felt increasingly anxious as the shopping went on because I was waiting on a couple of phone calls (check, check, check the cellphone – sigh). I wanted to go cross-country skiing today and sent an email invite yesterday to about 6 women I consider “friends” – 2 responded that they wanted to go. Both bailed – one by saying she was pretty busy and would call if she got a break and the other by just never calling back. This let-down from friends has been a constant source of hurt in my life. Is it just that people I like are flakey? Is it a societal trend that people in their late-twenties can’t commit to and follow through with plans (why does everyone want to wait until the day of an event to pick a frickin’ time to and place to meet? why wouldn’t you respond to the email with “yes, I’d love to. how about we meet at the ski lodge at 11?” instead i get “skiing sounds good. call me or text me tomorrow morning and we’ll figure it out.”). It brings out such a lonely and unworthy part of me. The part that thinks that yes, everything and everyone else IS more important than hanging out with me. I can understand why that part feels that way and despite repeated efforts on my part to be social I inevitably get disappointed. A part of me wants to speak for that part, at least with one friend in particular who bails on plans very regularly. To explain to her that it feels much better to just get a “No, I can’t do that this weekend” up front, rather than a “yes” or “maybe” and then last minute back-tracking. I’m not sure I’m that brave but it’s a thought.
Anyways, I’m going to reheat this tea and either read or wrap gifts for a bit before a hot dinner date with my sweetheart. Who, by the way, has been really supportive over the past couple of days. Phew.
An 80% victory
I did it this morning – I actually picked up the phone and called someone for support. And that person, fabulous as she is, knows what it feels like to be where I am right now. She gave some good support, positive energy, solid suggestions and just general “being there” solidity. Thanks, K.
So today wasn’t perfect. I made it through the meal plan until about 4:00 (plan ended at that point because I wasn’t sure what we were doing for dinner). So with all that blank paper after 4:00, ED had some room to play. So I purged a “relative binge” snack (is that what it’s called when it’s not a textbook binge but feels yucky and out of control??). Grrr. Fuckin’ eh. But here’s a new perspective — 80% of my food today was a success. So I raise this glass of Cabernet Savignon to that. Better than yesterday. Movin’ in the right direction. (I’m digging deep for some positive thoughts, here, folks). I can’t lie and say I’m not both (1) feeling like a failure for eating so much AND not making it to the gym before it closed and (2) feeling like a failure for not having a “perfect” day. But I can readjust my lens and find some positives. Tomorrow’s meal plan will go all the way to bedtime. Lesson learned. And reaching out for some support was HUGE and turned out to be really helpful. I will repeat that for emphasis – REACHING OUT FOR SUPPORT TURNED OUT TO BE REALLY HELPFUL. Dear self, please refer back to this post when you’re feeling alone.
