Technology restriction
Today I’d like to do a little experiment in technology restriction. I have about 3 things that I absolutely HAVE to get done today, the not-doing of which will bring out some serious self-loathing that will keep me up tonight. So, seeing as how my computer has consumed about 83% of my waking hours lately, I’m going to restrict a bit. After this post, I will actually power down my laptop – that’s right – not just put it to sleep with it’s little head down. I don’t have any new DVD’s from Netflix so that’s out of the question. That leaves me with reading, sewing, playing banjo, walking the dog and actually doing what I need to get done today (oh how I loathe laundry). Wish me luck!
In other news I leave Tuesday at the crack of dawn (4:30 am) for my travels to NC for job interviews and househunting. I’m anxious but also really excited. It will be a high energy week of zooming here to there with my googlemaps directions and my snack bars in the rental car. Lots of cell phone calls and chaos. I’ve looked up the schedule at a reputable yoga studio and added it to the Microsoft Word document containing all the pertinent details of my trip (current document is currently 5 pages long). I’ll download some good podcasts to encourage me to take walks between interviews. And I’ll bring a journal. I’m basically trying to prepare for the stress and anxiety that will wind me up TIGHT all week and the pressure of decision-making on my own with no boyfriend-sounding-board to rely on. I’m going to try not to call my family either. I don’t want to be influenced on these decisions – I want them to be my own. I’m bringing my computer so perhaps I’ll blog about it to keep me a bit grounded. That’s the plan anyway…we’ll see how it goes.
I think I finally did some un-burdening in my IFS work the session before last. I’m not even sure I understand what happened but it seemed to help. The parts we were working with were ones that protected me ferociously from feeling intense emotions because of the ongoing threat from an early age (both spoken and implied) of impending bad things that happen as a result of feeling too much. The most obvious one being that my dad would kill himself if anyone let him see how much he hurt others. But there was a much more subtle insinuation that if you allow yourself to get really sad, your life will permanently fall apart. Even now my mom will say things like, “What does your therapist want you to do..lay in bed crying all day and not go to work and lose your job and have to be institutionalized?!” (okay so maybe the insinuations weren’t so subtle afterall…) The implication being that taking one day off (or even 3) to cry when you call of your engagement will lead your life into a rapid downward spiral to homelessness and straightjackets. There it is…the idea that even the smallest bit of sadness, anger, depression, hopelessness will suck you into a vortex of unending yuck. Others in my family are black-and-white thinkers, too, but mom I think was my greatest pedagogical influence in the ways of emotional restriction and detachment. And on the cusp of my big move and all the changes, I realize that she also has sent the message that if something is change for the better, then there’s no reason to feel sad about it. Relationships ending are a perfect example – I’m not sure she even grieved over her 16 year marriage to my father ending. Granted, it was on some levels a huge relief and I can imagine parts of her wanted to do a touchdown dance of freedom. But certainly some parts were really sad. So I haven’t really grieved my losses of the recent months. I’m leaving a place that holds many complicated and wonderful memories. I’m leaving a really awesome group of co-workers. The clinic that I worked for and invested so much of my heart in, is closing. I’m leaving behind a bunch of kids who I spend hours working with each week – some of whom I’ve grown to adore. I’m leaving the chance of bumping into J at the grocery store and I’m introducing the distinct possibility that I’ll never see him again. So much is there and I think it’s time to let it out. Most recently I’m grieving the few friendships I have here that are still young but could have potentially grown into something great. And certainly I’m grieving the loss of the most influential and amazing therapist I’ve had and my wonderful group. This is hard. This part doesn’t feel like it’s for the better. I am scared to move on.
So much is going on for so many of my parts right now. My managers are working diligently around the clock to coordinate the logistics of my move and all the transitions (enter “Things to Do Before I move” word document including such highlights as “oil change” and “sell used snow tires”). I need to take some time for the grief to swell. So power-down, dear computer. Take the day off, I’ve got some other plans.
empty.
today was the day. 5 hours out of the house with Sam the dog so that J could move out. i was busy. socializing, driving, haircut, gym. upbeat and energized. and then i came home.
the apartment is empty. sad. quiet. dust bunnies rolling across the hardwood like fog blowing across a pond at dawn. so many things gone. things i’d forgotten the owner of, that had become “ours”. so many things i reach for and – poof – gone. “oh yeah – his,” I remember like a sharp smack across my cheek. it’s like turning on the coffemaker in a power outage – “oh yeah, that runs on electricity, too”. Instinctively flipping lightswitches upon entering a room, feeling more and more idiotic as the hours pass. When will I remember that he took the trashcan and so refuse now goes in the hanging plastic grocry bag on the doorknob. When will I stop looking for the TV. When will the rooms and the remaining furniture and the empty cupboards stop feeling all wrong.
I’ve wondered a few times over the past two weeks if I was ignoring sadness. If it was down there and I was just covering it up with a thick layer of “things will be better” and “this is good for me”. It’s here now. Maybe it just needed less furniture so it could spread out, take up space, spill out over the whole floor. I’m knee-deep trudging through it. slow. resistive. exhausting.
Observations, Part 2
Alright, picking up where I left off – - -
So my friend has a theory (one which every day I’m subscribing to with exponentially more enthusiasm) – that it takes a year to get to know someone. That nothing really speeds up that process. And to that end, she has decided not to “rush things” with her boyfriend. She spent hours and hours (and money) fixing up her apartment this summer – her first place without roommates. She was excited and proud and has maintained this independent residence despite spending most nights at her boyfriend’s house and despite his inclination to have her move in sooner rather than later. I was so amazed and impressed by her independence and her sticking with her “take it slow” plan. She indicates an intention to move in with him in May – they will have been together nearly a year but in our girl-to-girl conversations she sounds mindful of the fact that she doesn’t fully know him yet and so can’t “be sure” quite yet. Scratch the needle off the edge of the record – my how her tone changed in front of him. She invited me to his house for tea and while showing me the place referred to “our bed”, “our neighbor” and “her roommates”. So I’m stuck wondering – which is really how she’s feeling? Likely a mixture of both. But I was admittedly disappointed to observe her doing what I perceived as a similar pattern to me. She sounds one step ahead of herself. Always thinking about the next – the meet the parents, the holiday together, the move-in, the engagement. There’s always some “next-step”, one level up on the commitment ladder. And I hate the recent realization that I am obsessed with the next step and negligent of the one I’m on. I never even pause to consider whether the next step is appropriate or if the timing is right. I just want to be on it. And I admired what I believed to be the more prudent course my friend was taking. Now I’m just confused about what course she’s taking and what step she wants to be on…but one thing’s for sure, her boyfriend sounds like he’s subscribing to my plan (or, at least, what will hopefully be my plan of the past….breaking the cycle is the new plan).
Brrrrr.
Current temperature on my doorstep: 10 below (that’s farenheit, folks!). Yowza. It stings your eyes and burns your cheeks and contracts your lungs into an asthmatic wheeze. Puts a damper on my motivation to leave the house to do anything at all.
I’m coming to the point where I think I’m ready to take the ring off. It’s a vintage ring that’s been in my family for generations so I will keep it and eventually wear it on my right hand. But for awhile I think I need some space from it. I had been postponing it for several reasons: first and foremost my nosy coworker. She has no sense of what’s appropriate or inappropriate to ask or discuss and absolutely cannot receive subtle non-verbal cues that someone is uncomfortable or uninterested in sharing. This is her last week in the office so I kept the ring on so I didn’t have to go down that road with her. Secondly, I just wasn’t emotionally ready yet. It didn’t feel right to do it immediately for some reason. Such a symbolic act of the end of my relationship – almost deserving of a ceremony or a moment of silence. And finally, I just wasn’t ready for all the questions. I work with kids all day and their parents, no doubt, will at some point notice and ask. I still haven’t come up with my 20 second script of what to say:
“Plans have changed, but I know it’s for the best.” (optimistic answer)
“Life throws you curveballs and this is just one of them.” (philosophical answer)
“We had a very difficult fall and it came to a head over Christmas break.” (pretty honest answer)
“Yes, things have changed in my life but I’d rather not talk about it.” (boundary-setting answer)
Why is it that the boundary-setting one seems bitchy or rude. Like it would somehow make the other person feel awkward for commenting on the nakedness of my ring finger. And why should I value their feelings over mine? Let them feel awkward. It’s a pretty awkward thing to ask. Like if someone was going out on maternity leave and suddenly changed that plan. You might want to wait until they bring that up if you’re just a casual acquaintance. Obviously a very personal and likely heartbreaking change in their life has occurred. But unfortunately we read People magazine and US Weekly and feel an entitlement to know everyone else’s personal business. Come to think of it – those are the most boundary-breaking publications around. We shouldn’t know who’s sleeping with who, who entered rehab and who has cellulite on their bum. None of our god-forsaken business!
So I still have to decide how I feel comfortable responding to the inevitable inquiries.
In other news I shadowed the therapist at the hospital yesterday, which proved interesting but didn’t stir a deep desire to do what she does day in and day out. So that solidifies in my mind my decision to move in the future. There aren’t an abundance of jobs up here for me (despite that being the case seemingly everywhere else in the country). And did I mention it’s 10 below zero right now?! I think it’s a huge step for me to make such a huge life decision WITHOUT making it for a man or for school. I’ve moved all over – South Carolina (college), Boston (grad school), Atlanta (internship), North Carolina (internship), Virginia (boyfriend), Vermont (boyfriend). Bringing my own volition and independent will to a life decision is a huge symbolic step on my part. Progress. It also means not staying stuck in one place out of fear or discomfort with uncertainty. I want so badly to settle in one place – my family moved every 1-2 years growing up and I had the joy of living in 10 houses (all in the same town, though. I think I’ve said it before but…my dad is crazy! and this compulsive/impulsive apple didn’t fall far from the tree). But I’m not willing to let the anxiety and restlessness of moving and change and uncertainty pin me down in a spot that doesn’t feel right. Progress also, I think.
No therapy this morning. Feeling surprisingly okay about that. Knowing I have group tonight helps. Also gives me some downtime before my measly short day at work.
The highlight reel
Life has been moving at too fast a pace recently and the emotional rollercoaster in constant acceleration and descent that I can’t even begin to imagine how to post about it. Here it is in a nutshell:
Wednesday night – J came home, we ventured to his family’s for Xmas Eve dinner. On the way he threatened to take me back home and leave me home alone because I was being too “mopey” (a.k.a. numb, dissociative, exhausted). I convinced him that I could pull it together and “fake it” for his family – which I did impeccably. And I actually felt a bit closer to him during the process.
Wednesday late night – Came home, snuggled, started to “repair” in the aftermath of conflict. He apologized for being so extreme and threatening to abandon me on Christmas eve. We talked about some of the pertinent issues in a calm way. Suddenly he gets up to leave the conversation because “you’re being so hurtful to me”. (I don’t doubt that he felt hurt. But the implication that it was intentional or my fault is not fair. I was merely talking about my need for boundaries – calm, thoughtful, not irrational or overly emotional. He was very hurt, ended the conversation by telling me he didn’t want me to come to Christmas at his family’s the next morning. He slept on the couch for the second night in a row.
Thursday a.m. – early morning discussion of plans resulted in him saying he really wanted me to come to Christmas morning at his family’s so that everyone would feel comfortable and because he would feel embarrassed if I didn’t. I did. On the drive over I requested we not talk about the conflict (he was trying to get back into it) and he responded by another threat to take me home. We made it through the morning at his family’s but with much more distance and tension than the night before.
Thursday afternoon – not really speaking post-Christmas morning. I went straight to bed for a 5 hour nap (avoidance? most definitely!). No food all day. Wanted very badly to self-destruct. Realized that I needed a safe place for the weekend and some respite from the emotional torture of our cycling conflict. Made last-minute flight arrangements to NC to be with my mom.
Thursday night – attempted to sit J down and explain WHY I needed to go to NC so that he didnt’ misinterpret it. He refused. He said that if I went to NC it was over and he’d begin to move his stuff out. He said he wanted to break up now because he feared it would happen anyway and he didn’t want to be hurt worse. I retreated to my cousin’s house for some support and called Bree for reassurance that my going to NC was well-intentioned and not negligent of my relationship. She said it sounded like self-protection and a very Self-guided decision.
Thursday late night – J wrote me an email apologizing for the threat to quit but explaining that he feels powerless over me. That everyone else in my life has influence except him. We had a good convesation about how I am starting to gain influence over my OWN life and decisions and that it probably felt yucky to him but was good for me. Talked at great length. No escalation. Slept in the same bed.
Friday 4 a.m. – awake and at the airport. Flew home. Currently typing on my step-dad’s computer.
Whew! I know, I know, it’s a bit crazy. I’m glad I made the decision, even though the conflict appeared to have relaxed a bit last night. There is really no predicting when or how or why it will escalate. I can only say this here in the relative security of the blog but I fear that I am in a doomed relationship. If it was just this conflict or our communication style I may feel differently. But I was reading an IFS book about relationships today on the plane and I can so clearly identify that in the beginnings of ALL relationships (not just J) I sublimate myself. It’s almost (in hindsight) as if I have no voice of reason. Then around month 6 the Self starts to creep in and say…is this really okay for you? Can you do this over the long-haul? But my parts answer “YES! We can do anything. That’s what love is. Putting up with whatever your partner hands you.” Then in the 12-14 month range I get exhausted. I cannot do this. I cannot commit to it. There are so many issues with our relationship that I don’t know where to begin.
Parts of me are so terrified to quit that I want to keep trying for a few more months. Parts of me fear shame and embarrassment if I call off an ENGAGEMENT. Parts of me are terrified of being alone. But all along, I’ve thought “If J and I didn’t work out, I’d kill myself.” And for the first time, I’m realizing that I wouldn’t. I’d carry on. I’d be okay. Sad, lonely, scared, empty, hurt. But I can survive on my own. Just that realization tugs at the deep down part of me that think I KNOW what to do. I just don’t want to do it, nor do I feel ready to. Especially not on the tails of so much conflict and drama. I need some space to sort it out. Luckily, for the next 3 days I have the entire eastern seaboard of space between us.
This has to go down in history as the hardest Christmas ever for me. Luckily I’m realizing that I have people I can turn to. I’m not trapped. I’m not stuck.
I have restricted severely over the past 48 hours and hope that I can start fresh tomorrow with healthy eating. Ugh. It feels like such a chore right now. Almost intolerable. The hunger feels good. But it will start to affect my mood and clarity of thinking. And if there is anything I trust right now, it’s that I’m having some clarity and perspective. I don’t want to jeoperadize that even if it means force feeding a bit.
merry day after Christmas to all. hope yours was better than mine.
