79 degrees does wonders for my mood
Seriously, the weather today was definitively WARM. No sweatshirt. No jacket. Yummy balmy southern air.
AND…I ate more than air today. I’m about 15 minutes away from meal 3 of the day. Starting off with a Larabar was a compromise with my restricting part – a “snack” but at least some food in my belly to start the day. Lunch was a bit more uncomfortable just because it involved several items on my plate and looked like a lot. It felt okay, though. Eating here is a bit easier because I’m not alone and I eat at the table – a little more mindfully. Helps me stop when I start to feel panicky (which, I guess for the non-disordered is called “full”. hmmm.)
I went to church with my mom this morning. I absolutely love my church at home – mainly the physical building which is old and gothic, yet small and cozy. Decorated top to bottom for Christmas and the service had all the caroling greats – “We three kings” “What child is this”. Love it. Midnight mass is a family tradition and I missed out this year so this was a nice compromise. Church is something I’ve been pondering lately. I’ve gone a few times lately in Vermont either alone or with J, mainly as a distraction from the disordered thoughts and urges. And I don’t feel a strong connection to the big one we go to downtown. But a small, family-oriented church can be a great place to be socially connected and involved. Part of something bigger. I tend to get spooked by really evangelical or “pushy” denominations (which I won’t mention so as not to offend). But I feel comfortable in the Episcopal Church – mainly because it’s familiar but also because I feel allowed to question or explore and attach to the parts that mean something to me and not so much to the parts that don’t. I’m not threatened weekly with hell if I don’t believe hard enough or save other souls. Whew, that’s a relief. Maybe a New Year’s Resolution to find a smaller Episcopal church that feels like a good fit is brewing. We’ll see.
Had a good visit with a dear friend. Technically my high school sweetheart but we’ve remained really solid buddies through the years minus any physical or romantic attraction/awkwardness. His mother is insane about marriage and having babies and is an enormous gossip around my hometown so I felt some anxiety about showing up with the ring on my finger but not really wanting to talk about it. It went better than I expected. Then T and I ventured to Starbucks for a little heart to heart about our lives, minus his nosey mom. He had some really great advice, reassurance and just general knowledge of ME. The me that is underneath all the events and the boyfriends and the geographical relocations. He’s got his head-screwed on really straight and is comfortably single (despite constant nagging from his mom about it). But he gives great perspective on relationships and I am always shocked by how comfortable and sincere we can be despite not talking for several months. Made me want to talk to him more often.
Feeling really good about this trip. My mom has been really nice and not as extreme a version of herself as she can sometimes be – perhaps because I’m a bit vulnerable. I’ve had plenty of time and space to “do my own thing”. I’ve had a break from the tension and drama at home. I’ve had some relative successes in the ED department. I’m feeling much more connected to ME. More in my own body. More comfortable. Tomorrow afternoon I’ll begin the journey back to Vermont (where it is frigid, I’m sure). Tuesday I have therapy and group. I really hope this feeling of groundedenss can last.
I wish I could do it without rules
Yesterday was.start.to.finish.horrible. I had such grand plans for a great Snow Day. Turned out in addition to being a s’no work day, it was also a s’no food staying in my belly day, s’no way I can stand up without being dizzy day, s’no way I should be on this treadmill right now day. And honestly, the first day I worried about acute health repercussions to my purging and restricting.
Thursday I ingested some gluten and my sensitive Celiac gut reacted, well, with some GI distress (I’ll spare you the details). But this always means that I stop absorbing the food in my gut, make many trips to the el bano, and wind up very hungry and thirsty. And in the lovely land of Bulimia very hungry leads down a destructive road. Yesterday was another one of my purging lows, in frequency, in intensity, in wobbly after effects. And because I was snowed in, there wasn’t much I could do to distract (this is an exaggeration, there were things I could do but felt so much at the mercy of my disorder that I forgot about them). At some point in the afternoon I crawled into bed and vowed not to get out until J got home from work (4:00, usually). By 5:15 I was panicking and hungry again and praying that he would show up soon so we could go to my favorite restaurant and get a crepe for dinner and keep it down. I could NOT eat another meal alone in this god-forsaken apartment. Phone rings. J is working late – until 7:30. Groan. You can imagine how dinner went (other than alone and in this god-forsaken apartment).
But hang in there, it’s not all doom and gloom. The road may be curving a bit, mainly because I felt so fucking scared and sick yesterday. Possessed, in fact, by this disorder. I know on so many levels it feels like it gives control, but this is a myth (at least for me) and there are those rock-bottom moments when you realize you are completely controlled by IT. Yesterday I felt like the only way I am going to have control of my life is to not have my disorder in my life. If I allow it to be there, even in small doses (what I like to call “dabbling” in my behaviors) – I guarantee myself that I will have these days, weeks, (hopefully not but possibly) months where it is my master and I its slave. Days where the moment I see J’s face I am a puddle of blubbering tears. Days where all there is to do is take a valium and go to bed at 8:00.
That Valium induced sleep lasted until about 3 a.m. at which point I began hatching a plan. Just for today. I’m not going to worry about a week from now or a month from now. Today, Saturday December 13, I have a meal plan in writing and stuck on the fridge. At the bottom of the meals and snacks listed are some rules.
-No eating on the couch. Sit at the table.
-Only eating off plates, not out of packaging.
-No multi-tasking. Pay attention to eating and how you feel (emotionally and physically).
I’ve tried meal plans before – a few weeks ago I had a few good days as a result of planning what I’d eat and sticking to it. My major concern is that it is ME that created the plan. So I’m just trusting that it’s coming from the healthy/recovery me and not the restricting/want-to-lose-weight me. At my absolute lowest in ED behaviors I kept very rigid (and unhealthy) meal plans and obsessed about them. I went to a dietician post-diagnosis with Celiac (in her defense she had no idea that I had an eating disorder) and holy shit – it fueled the fire BIG time. Part of me is wondering, though, if it would help to have my diet planned by someone without an eating disorder. Probably. But I’m terrified of that. Maybe should talk to Bree about it.
Next to the meal plan on the refrigerator is a big sheet filled with “Things to Do Instead”. Including specific tasks related to housework, being outside, playing with my dog, connecting with others (email, christmas cards, phone calls and a list of all the people who ARE in my life and WOULD at least chat with me about bullshit and Christmas and anything besides purging), relaxing.
My goal: To have a “good day”. Translation: To eat what my body needs, not purge, exercise a reasonable amount. Bonus (but this may be setting the bar WAY too high): Not be excruciatingly anxious and difficult to be around.
I really wish I could do it without rules. I wish I could just wake up, smile at the sunshine glinting off the snow and go along my merry way of normalcy today. Just set the intention and have it all pan out. But I just know that, right now, that doesn’t work. It did when I was 4 months into recovery. But not the day after one of my worst days ever. I need the structure. I think about the stories I’ve heard of residential treatment. It’s not like you walk in, they pat you on the back and congratulate you for making the commitment to recover and then send on your way to figure out what to do all day. They schedule your day and plan your food and keep you busy and take a lot of the choices and decision-making off your back (at least in the beginning, from what I hear). So I guess what I’m doing is somewhat aligned with that. I have the best intentions for today and it feels like it is ME and not my disorder choosing this path.
Off to shovel snow with a slice of toast with PB and a little smoothie in my belly. Off to shovel snow with a little bit of pride that I did it – one meal of the day. Off to shovel snow with the fear of disappointment if this day takes a turn for the worse.
*one last observation. That last line about fear of disappointment – it makes me want to beg, plead, bargain, pray with some power in the universe (not necessarily spiritual) not to let the disorder take over today. But acknowledging that feels like it’s taking the power away from ME to keep today on track. So is it better to rely on myself (thereby putting pressure on myself) to battle this today or to turn it over to the universe to keep the disorder at bay. Or maybe a bit of both – I’ll do my part today and hope the universe can give me a break?!
I am disgusting but I am okay.
How is it possible that I made it through Thanksgiving without purging??? I worked my disordered brain’s ASS off this morning and noon to get a healthy breakfast and lunch in me. Dinner was with in in-law-to-be’s (who I love) and I ate more than I was comfortable with. My mantra? “This is the one day of the year when everyone eats more than they are comfortable with. Give yourself a break.” Came home, smoked pot and munched my face full. But when I smoke I don’t purge…even when I legitimately binge. Not that I would describe this as healthy eating, but it doesn’t really feel ED-y either. So 2 consecutive nights of smoking and eating lead me to feel disgusting. I won’t subject you to the ongoing IFS dialogues in my divided mind, but I’ll let you in on my new strategy of typing these dialogues out – a quicker and more “real time” way of recording thoughts for me. But I found it really helpful yesterday and today to do that. Also gives me oodles to talk about in therapy.
Basically the IFS stuff before meals led to a sort of hesitancy and crazy appearance to my food preparation (If you’ve seen Ratatouille from Pixar, it was as if Little Chef was in my hat, guiding my every move). Staring into the fridge, reaching, balking and reaching for something else. Asking a part or two if this food felt “safe” and then checking back in for quantity purposes as I scooped or poured various items onto my plate, revising my measurements several times. I guess it was something akin to some components of mindful eating – trying to listen closely to what my body needs. Although, in this case, it was trying to listen closely to what my eating disordered parts were willing to tolerate when pushed to compromise with mySelf a bit. Being mindful of my eating disordered parts seems counter-intuitive…like it would make me sicker. But somehow, giving them a chance to speak up and explain themselves makes them a little more willing to trust me and attempt to compromise a bit. As long as they know I’m not trying to just banish them from the whole system.
I’m not sure what tomorrow brings. My bloated, full belly is triggering lots of RESTRICT and OVER-exercise thoughts. That I don’t deserve food tomorrow because of how I’ve acted last night and tonight. But really, I deserve food every day. I will eat every day. Even if I give my parts permission to limit it only to really safe foods tomorrow. I guess my not being Anorexic gives me this option since my safe foods all have SOME nutritional value (I mean, Carnation Instant Breakfast is one of them…so…). So some of my parts are wanting to restrict to only a C.I.B. for breakfast, one for lunch and a small super-healthy dinner – I’m actually okay with giving them that. I don’t know what I’m rambling about…stuck in my own head TOO much today…where is the middle ground. I kind of felt today like in order to make this approach work – I might need 20-30 minutes of computer time/alone time to process what I’m feeling and thinking before each meal. Which is hard to make functional in a normal life. But when I give it that time and space, it seems to be helping. Must remember that when consider what’s “functional”.
Anyways, I know Thanksgiving is generally a shitpile of a day for anyone with an Eating Disorder. So I’ve been thinking a lot today of the other people out there working their asses off to survive today. As someone at group said “Happy Thanksgiving. Safe Thanksgiving.”
