Friday in a nutshell
-up early
-half-day at the old place of employment
-nap
-shopping for pretty undies (gift cards are wonderful motivators to splurge on lacy things)
-dinner cooked & eaten (love those sweet potatoes)
-gym workout completed (“normal person” workout plus weights)
- bubble bath taken
-wine drunk
-nails painted
-Grey’s Anatomy DVD watched (vague recollection that I HAVE seen season 3 before)
-chapter in novel read (NYT bestselling “Special Topics in Calamity Physics” by Marisha Pessle)
All in all a good day. A bit lonely but kept myself meaningfully occupied with less ruminating and obsessing than in recent days. I did have one of my “kids” (by which I am referring to a 16 year old boy – 6′1″ and 200+ lbs. ) attempt to physically attack me twice. Cue the adrenaline and surges of want for a different job. I had “backup” and was safe (the same kid has successfully attacked me before so I knew the cues and activated my most effective plan for dealing with aggressions – RUN like hell. Attempt not to squeal – detracts from your professionalism).
Not much content here, apologies. Will undoubtedly delve deep into philiosophy, religion, psychoanalysis and psychic premonitions tomorrow.
79 degrees does wonders for my mood
Seriously, the weather today was definitively WARM. No sweatshirt. No jacket. Yummy balmy southern air.
AND…I ate more than air today. I’m about 15 minutes away from meal 3 of the day. Starting off with a Larabar was a compromise with my restricting part – a “snack” but at least some food in my belly to start the day. Lunch was a bit more uncomfortable just because it involved several items on my plate and looked like a lot. It felt okay, though. Eating here is a bit easier because I’m not alone and I eat at the table – a little more mindfully. Helps me stop when I start to feel panicky (which, I guess for the non-disordered is called “full”. hmmm.)
I went to church with my mom this morning. I absolutely love my church at home – mainly the physical building which is old and gothic, yet small and cozy. Decorated top to bottom for Christmas and the service had all the caroling greats – “We three kings” “What child is this”. Love it. Midnight mass is a family tradition and I missed out this year so this was a nice compromise. Church is something I’ve been pondering lately. I’ve gone a few times lately in Vermont either alone or with J, mainly as a distraction from the disordered thoughts and urges. And I don’t feel a strong connection to the big one we go to downtown. But a small, family-oriented church can be a great place to be socially connected and involved. Part of something bigger. I tend to get spooked by really evangelical or “pushy” denominations (which I won’t mention so as not to offend). But I feel comfortable in the Episcopal Church – mainly because it’s familiar but also because I feel allowed to question or explore and attach to the parts that mean something to me and not so much to the parts that don’t. I’m not threatened weekly with hell if I don’t believe hard enough or save other souls. Whew, that’s a relief. Maybe a New Year’s Resolution to find a smaller Episcopal church that feels like a good fit is brewing. We’ll see.
Had a good visit with a dear friend. Technically my high school sweetheart but we’ve remained really solid buddies through the years minus any physical or romantic attraction/awkwardness. His mother is insane about marriage and having babies and is an enormous gossip around my hometown so I felt some anxiety about showing up with the ring on my finger but not really wanting to talk about it. It went better than I expected. Then T and I ventured to Starbucks for a little heart to heart about our lives, minus his nosey mom. He had some really great advice, reassurance and just general knowledge of ME. The me that is underneath all the events and the boyfriends and the geographical relocations. He’s got his head-screwed on really straight and is comfortably single (despite constant nagging from his mom about it). But he gives great perspective on relationships and I am always shocked by how comfortable and sincere we can be despite not talking for several months. Made me want to talk to him more often.
Feeling really good about this trip. My mom has been really nice and not as extreme a version of herself as she can sometimes be – perhaps because I’m a bit vulnerable. I’ve had plenty of time and space to “do my own thing”. I’ve had a break from the tension and drama at home. I’ve had some relative successes in the ED department. I’m feeling much more connected to ME. More in my own body. More comfortable. Tomorrow afternoon I’ll begin the journey back to Vermont (where it is frigid, I’m sure). Tuesday I have therapy and group. I really hope this feeling of groundedenss can last.
I know better
I know that restricting does the following:
-fogs my thinking
-makes me anxious and irritable
-depresses me
-sets the stage for a perceived binge (chocolate covered almonds after dinner, for example)
-sets the stage for a purge (grrr)
-makes ANY morsel of food that enters my belly elicit bloating and discomfort
So why do I do it??!! Partly I’ve been restricting all week as an effort to stave off any purging (which it hasn’t entirely but has certainly decreased it). Partly it’s because of the emotional demands on me right now and the side effect of needing some sense of control (so ED cliche’ed but true). Partly the pain feels good. But I got some “bars” at the grocery today that feel like an acceptable breakfast/lunch or snack to give a whirl tomorrow. I know I can do it – it just requires talking myself down from that disordered place. Compromising with my parts.
I’m starting to visit friends here at home and to accept the phone calls that are incoming. My mom and I saw “Marley and Me” today and I got a perfect excuse to let some tears out in a safe space (no one but me had to know that it wasn’t because of the plot-line).
And, brace yourselves for a shocker, I got some good advice today from my mom. I fully expected her advice to be just to end my relationship. To give up and move on. As if it’s that easy. But she just told me that she thinks I should go back to Vermont and start living the life I want. If it fits with J’s, great. If he resents me taking time and energy for my own self-care, to make a social network, to seek out some sort of meaningful spiritual community or any host of other things I know I need in order to be healthy….then the relationship will naturally end. She thinks that I’m putting too much energy into talking about my needs rather than just living my life according to them. I know that this approach may sound totally negligent of my partner’s needs. But he has, to date, been unable to (1) understand the concept of needs – he even says that he doesn’t understand, (2) articulate any needs himself, (3) demonstrate any needs other than for me to have no needs of my own. I have to tend to agree with my mom’s advice – if only because the talking doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere. Maybe this will be a more effective way of eliciting change in J than talking about it.
A huge loud part of me says that you shouldn’t want or need your partner to change. That love is about acceptance and compromise. But I’m being completely honest with myself that there are other parts that are speaking up that there are several things within our relationship that simply cannot continue. I’m trying to remember myself when I was healthy (including when I met J) and to begin a path back towards those values.
In my ongoing reading of the IFS relationship book, I was jolted into an upright and alert state by the following excerpt related to abandonment anxiety:
“Whenever we fall in love, the other person always appears rich with a superabundant life…extraordinarily beautiful and extraordinarily alive, an animal whose nature is not to be docile but rebellious, not weak but strong…which is free and liberating, but also unforeseeable and frightening. That is why the person who is more frightened imposes on the other a great many restrictions, a great many small sacrifices, all of which are basically intended to make her gentle, safe and innocuous. And the other person gradually accepts them. To avoid upsetting her lover, she imperceptibly eradicates everything that may have that effect. She makes many small renunciations , none of which is serious…gladly makes them because she wants her lover to be happy, and she tries to become what he wants her to be. Gradually, she becomes domestic, available, always ready, always grateful. In this way, the marvelous wild beast is reduced to a domestic pet; the tropical flower, plucked from its environment, droops in a little vase by the window. And the lover who asked her to become like this because he wanted to be reassured, because he was frightened by the new experience, winds up misisng in her what he had previously sought and found. The person who stands before him is not the same one he had fallen in love with….he asked her to moderl herself on his fears, and now he faces the result of those fears – her nothingness.”
-quoted in the IFS book from sociologist Francisco Alberoni
I want so fucking desperately to be rich with superabundant life. Not in a false way to make others feel good. I genuinely want to feel extraordinarily alive and strong. It doesn’t fit nicely into a measurable outcome but THAT is my supreme goal for 2009. Without descriptors of whether that is in a relationship with J or on my own.
